Above: Me and Weston this summer on vacation. I carried Weston on my shoulders a lot so his feet wouldn’t have to be on the hot sand too long. He enjoyed riding high for the most part. Once he got tired he would start squirming and trying to get down, which is what he was doing in this picture. God wants to carry us when things get tough, all we have to do is be still and let Him do the work.
Grief is hard work. If you ever read a book about – that’s what it will say. And that is correct. For me, grief has manifested itself in a number of ways, many of which have been physical. I find myself fatigued very easily these days. With only a small amount of physical exertion I can become quite tired and even winded. Bad dreams are also a part of the journey I am on right now. I seldom, if ever, had bad dreams before September 16th. Now, I have them frequently. Usually they involve Weston. In addition to these things, I have had to deal with fever blisters on my mouth, chest pains, shortness of breath, and there is a significant amount of grey in my hair now. I share all of this, not to get your sympathy or even your medical advice (no advice please) – but to simply share some of the realities of experiencing deep loss. I am told that all of these symptoms I have are very common. I have never received a loss so deeply in my life before, so this is all new to me.
Despite my physical health, my spiritual health is stronger than it was before September 16th. I am experiencing some peace and some understanding of God that I had either forgotten or not experienced before. I am on a journey- a painful one that I believe will end in me being a stronger person in Christ.
Today I have been praying for many of my friends and colleagues at OU who lost a very special student who passed away this morning. I know about loss now, and there is little I can do but pray. And that’s exactly what I have done and will continue to do. I strongly believe it is only by God’s strength that one can survive the storm of great loss. I am a living example of this. That’s why I believe it.
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Clay and Erin, I know I haven’t commented in a while, but I still check your blog every day and cry with you and pray for you daily. I wanted you to know we’re still here and still love you and are praying for you, my friend.
Clay, Thank you for this reminder of how “normal” the physical and emotional pain of grief is. Your journey as you have shared it these past weeks through this blog is a gift of sorts to the rest of us who grieve our own losses, whether recent or distant, whether of youth stolen or old age cut short. I can assure you, whether you view this as good or bad, that the pain of grief diminishes, becomes less frequent and less “sharp” over time, but also never disappears entirely. Personally, I find both aspects something of a comfort. God bless you and Erin. You are both in my daily prayers.