No More SugarCoating

Well I don’t really know what t say, except that I miss being a father. It hurts sometimes to see how I am singled out among many people my age who have several healthy kids. People talk about their kids, about what they go through, about what its like to be a parent. People share about their frustrations and funny little stories about raising their toddler. I sit in silence as they talk and remember day when I had all things in common with them. I no longer get to play with my son, no longer get to rock him to sleep, no more changing diapers or making a run to buy more baby wipes. Parenting, for me right now is a distant memory, like a gift that has been taken away. Does it create anger or bitterness in my heart toward those with kids? No, it does not. For that I am grateful. I actually am very happy for everyone who still has his or her child to hold and love. My only problem is my profound sadness that relentlessly drains my spirit. Other people’s joy does not create jealously, but rekindles my sadness, and makes me long to have my Weston back.

This time last year, we had just purchased our porch swing. It was warm outside, and the swing fit perfectly on our little porch, almost completing the look of our home and of our lives. I remember sitting on the swing with my wife on one end, me on the other, and my sweet little Weston right smack in the middle. We pushed back, held on tight, and released ourselves into a full, high swing into the air! “weeeeeeeeeee!,” Weston would say.

It was at that distinct moment that I remember thinking, “I have it all. This life I have is perfect. My wife, my son, my dog, my house, my nice cars, a new home, a job I love, and a truly happy life.” I remember thinking that thought several times over the next few months after that day. I was happy. Content. Life was moving along nicely.

Today is a much different story. I sit in the silence of my home wondering what became of my life? It all came to a halt very abruptly. As I struggle with deep sadness, depression, and feelings of helplessness, I can’t help but begin to understand that the God I serve is not in the business of making us comfortable and happy all the time. If He were, no one would ever have to experience loss, or disease, or death. But God, I believe, is interested in one thing: His Glory. He wants attention, worship, praise, and our full focus. Does this seem pretentious? Does this seem arrogant? Well, perhaps if it came from you or I it would be, but coming from the creator of the universe -God himself – it is not arrogant at all. If anyone deserves our full attention, praise, and focus – it is He. Jesus Christ, God’s son went through tremendous pain, injustice, and heartache while on earth. He was human. He lost his friend Lazarus to disease. The bible says he was deeply moved, and that he wept. Later, He was accused and tormented and ultimately abandoned by his closest allies – his disciples. He was beaten and crucified on the cross. The bible records the words of Jesus, at the end of his rope, in great despair in Matthew 27:46, “About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi,[a] lama sabachthani?”—which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Jesus felt abandoned. He felt pain and sorrow. If this could happen to Him, why not me?

In addition, look at the disciples, the followers of Christ who carried out His message and lived their lives for Him. They were mostly all martyred. Killed in violent ways for their beliefs and their lives. Some may say, “They did not deserve this, they were good people who loved God and were obedient to him!” I say, “Yeah! And look what happened to them!” Which proves my point: Living for God does not mean perfect lives. It does not mean that we get to live pain-free. It does not mean that we will not experience sadness, loss, or pain. Perhaps, quite the contrary. In my life, I am experiencing pain and sorrow more than I can describe. God is allowing it to happen to me. He is in control of the situation.

So why is he doing this? Why is a loving God doing this to me, why does He do things like this to others? My answer is quite simple: because it’s not about me. It is about Him. It brings Him glory, attention; it forces me to give Him my life – my attention. It is forcing others to do the same. Many people have and continue to give their lives to God through the loss of Weston and the impact it has had on them. God is glorified. God is praised, and our focus turns to Him. This is about God. Not us.

I hate to say this, but I am tired of sugarcoating my relationship with God. It is intense, it is fierce with reality. It is serious business. Those of you who play with God as if He were some kind of precious little kitty cat, some God who can be tamed and made to sit in our laps are mistaken. God is God! He is huge! The creator of the universe! In a millisecond, He can command your attention. Stop whining about your pitiful life. It is not about you. It is about God. Learn to praise Him and worship Him. And those of you who think you are smarter and bigger than God – you are not. I know several of you think that because of the way you live your lives. The arrogance to think you are bigger than God is laughable. We are all just minuscule little specks of nothing that needs to learn to worship the God of the universe. He is patiently allowing you the opportunity to do that – but you in all of your “wisdom” are too blind to see it. It’s amazing how ignorant we can be when it comes to serving and worshiping God. It’s time to consider Him and forget yourself for a moment. Stop playing your petty little games. Stop living to serve yourself. Stop living to love yourself.

He convinced me to do it. But He hasn’t convinced some of you yet. What is it going to take to convince you? Give Him your life today! Give Him your life today! Give Him your life today!

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.” Revelation 3:20

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